The Last Piece of Cake – Holding on to Abundance

December 15, 2010

I’m staring at the last piece of cake on the kitchen counter. It’s been sitting there for two weeks, slowly getting stale, the butter icing cracked, the once deliciously moist chocolate concoction now inedible.

I do this every time, whether it’s my homemade chocolate cake or store bought butter tarts. I just can’t seem to make myself take the last slice, piece, or morsel of some sweet confection that days before I devoured with relish. And so, it sits on the counter slowly becoming hard as rock and not enjoyable by anyone.

This strange habit is one I share with my sister. Because I’m not the only one in the family who does this, I have to believe this behaviour began in our childhood where there was a strict rule that we girls were forbidden to take the last of any treat. That was to be left to our Stepfather, the man of the house.

This rule speaks silent volumes on how we were raised to put our needs below a man’s and not just when it came to dessert. Good girls never take the last piece of anything, even if you want it. This wasn’t just a spoken rule but a message modeled over and over by our mother who, to this day, has difficulty believing that she deserves any kindness from life. She chose to dim her light, to be smaller than who she was to gain economic security at the detriment of her children.

But, I’m not a little girl anymore and neither is my sister. We are both divorced and quite enjoying the freedom of living our lives the way we choose without compromise or apology. So why does this habit persists?

I’ve pondered this question and discovered what was once a lesson in putting my needs last has morphed into a futile exercise in holding off feelings of deprivation, a desperate attempt to feed my soul’s hunger for prolonged joy and abundance. If that last piece of cake still exists then I have something sweet to look forward too. If I eat it then it’s gone forever and I’m left with the empty, hopeless state of despair where all that is in my life are bills, debt, work, and worry.

Despite this irrational action, I’m sane enough to know life is about change, the ebb and flow of seasons, the hills and valleys that separate the joys and sorrows that come with being alive. Leaving the cake so that no one can enjoy it doesn’t hold back the pain anymore than not going to the mail will stop the bills from coming in every month.

In searching for a replacement for this behaviour, I came across three things that are much better for my mind, body and spirit than a transitory caloric indulgence. These gifts are always available and are meant to be indulged in often. They are gratitude, love and generosity. Perhaps they are the best things to reach for in times of strife.

So I’m making a promise to myself no matter what is happening in my life I will indulge frequently in gratitude for this life, the enduring love of my sisters and the generosity of my friends. As I receive these three things freely I too will be on the giving side of this beautiful equation.

And when life and my bank account allows for an apple tart or a tray of fresh-baked cinnamon buns I will savor them in the moment and when one portion of dessert is left I will share it with my sister so that we may both enjoy the last piece of cake.